Ever feel like writing to Dear Abby but didn't because you were afraid she'd sick the cops on you after hearing your life story? Well, forget that bitch! Arachnia's Den of the Deceived is now offering unprofessional, unsolicited, and unbelievable advice to the macabre masses.

Sometimes, you just need a Horror Chick.

Dear Horror Chick:

I am a young married dude who loves his horror like maggots love dead people. But my wife is a real girly-girl type who thinks Rob Schnider is funny as hell and never really got over her sick high school boy band fetish. Every time I pop in my Texas Chainsaw Massacre Collecters Edtion DVD (wich has sweet deleted footage and director's commentary) I am treated to an onslaught of stupid, naive, uninformed critizism of the film and horror in genral.

Horror Chick, I love my wife very much and I feel bad for getting so pissed at her but she dosent know shit about how us horror fans, gorehounds, and feinds fell about our macabre pleasures. I am asking how i can make this little teenybopper of a woman understand before I become as insane as my movie maniac idols (ie Leatherface, Freddy, Jason, Regan, Hitchhiker, Otis, Choptop, etc)? Just needing sound advice from an unsound mind.

SINsearly,

The MidNite Vandal (Kansas)

Creepings, Vandal:

Ahh... Quite the situation indeed. However, do I dare compare it to the overall plight of men everywhere? It would seem you're suffering from a case of "Oh, my Gawd! My girl is a GIRL!!!" Sorry to break it to you, but there's not a whole lot you can do about it. I find most women to be an absolute disgrace to the gender: They listen to boy bands (even though they're long out of the 8th Grade), they get all excited when Old Navy is having a "blowout sale", and they even wear pink.

I'm generalizing here, but you surely get the picture. Are all women like this? No. Are most women like this? Hell, yes. Is it unfortunate? You betcha.

The only advice that I can offer you is to sit down and have an honest discussion with her. Explain to her that by constantly bitching about the movies you watch, the things you like to do... She's essentially bitching about you. I'm going to guess that she knew you were a Horror freak when she married you - so what does she really have to complain about?? You knew she was a "girly-girl" when you married her... You have to accept the person you're with 100% - this includes faults and personal tastes. You can't go into a relationship with the idea that you like this and this and this about your man/woman, but want to change that and that and that. People don't change. Not really. Which is why there is a need for openness, tolerance, and respect.

Try making a deal with her. Say to her "I will try not to run to the toilet, vomitting, the next time you're watching a Britney Spears special so long as you promise to keep your opinions about my favourite things to yourself." See what happens. In all fairness, you can't expect her to respect your choices if you're not respecting hers.

Personally, I have made a concerted effort to only chase after boys that I know share my general interests. There's just no way in Hell I would ever let anybody pressure me into being someone/something else.

Bottom line, I guess, is "be true to yourself."

Body Bags,

Arach

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