Best of Horror Films -- Elvira: Mistress of the Dark -- Arachnia's Den of the Deceived

It was Horror movie hostess Elvira's dream to be a star in Las Vegas. Unfortunately, her not-so-glamorous job meant she couldn't even come close to getting the $50 000 it would take to make her dream a reality. Just when she thought she'd be working under a repulsive womanizer on a crappy cable show forever, news came of her great aunt Morgana Talbot's death, moreover, the fact that she had been mentioned in the will. Excited that she may have finally stumbled across her "chance", Elvira loads herself into her big black Death Mobile and heads for Fallwell, Massachusetts for the reading of her aunt's will.

From the moment she arrived in the small, prim and proper little town, Elvira (obviously) stuck out like a sore thumb. Of course, Elvira had only one thing on her mind: collecting whatever her aunt had left her and getting her oh-so-fine ass to Vegas as fast as her car could take her.

Her dreams began to crumble as the lawyer informed her of her inheritance: a decrepit old house, a cookbook, and a poodle named Algonquin. Somehow, she didn't think the Flamingo in Vegas would except their fee in dog meat. Meanwhile, unbeknownst to Elvira, her great uncle Vince, a powerful sorcerer, had designs on her newly acquired cookbook, which was in fact a collection of spells her aunt had used as a practicing witch. With Vince's mouth watering for the book, and the entire town eager to drive

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Elvira as far outside the city limits as possible, a scheme is devised to convince the townspeople (who really don't need much convincing at all) that the strange, dark woman who has just entered their lives is a witch!

City council decides that the only way to deal with a witch is the old fashioned way -- Burn her at the stake! Elvira is forced to rely on the few friends she has made and the conscience of the Salemesque town to drop all grudges against her before she's...Well, barbecue.

Elvira: Mistress of the Dark is a wildly funny film that not only entertains but also throws in a "life lesson" or two. And, let's face it, Elvira (a.k.a. Cassandra Peterson) is one of the most beautiful women around, so that doesn't hurt, either. I decided to include this film in the archives because I think it appeals to Horror fans in the sense that Elvira is someone we can look up to and admire. She's a courageous role model, but not in the "I just can't wait until Full House comes back on the air" sort of way. She's tough, wickedly amusing, and doesn't give a rat's ass what anybody else may think of her.